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Text / drawings: Mona Rudberg

Weinburg

A city

The Winos are constantly being brought into the homes of people

who wants to show the neighbours how kind they are.

There are different styles of Wino outfits with different, matching behaviour patterns. From the modest, classical wino to the ones that have joined the group later. For a fresh, young Wino to adopt the classical style would not be a smart move, because he would lack credibility. It would seem like he was trying too hard. If he doesn’t have «the look», he must try some other trademark or speciality until he comes of age. A lot of «fake Winos» appear, but if they play their cards right and drink enough they will get the same excellent treatment and be just as useful as the well-established Wino. The citizen who discovers a new type/species of winos has really got it made. And if you’re really hip, you collect them. This signals a significant intellectual capacity, and people will befriend you and respect you for it. Curiosity and inspiration is evoked in the collector and other participants of this exciting gamble. The wino who gets all this attention «takes completely off». The more the collector can build an identity for «his» Wino, the more respect he will get from his admirers. The birth of a trend: Other winos will automatically copy the style of the popular Wino to try to reap some of his success. This results in some «one hit wonders». If you want to care for a helpless Wino and don’t feel like setting the stakes too high, your best bet is still the classical type.

Secret drinker 1: Secret drinking is a violation of rules #2 and #3, see Rules of the Game. The secret drinker gets no sympathy. The real social loosers are the Winos who go back and forth between life at home and life in the streets. They will never be accepted among the Winos. A family who wants the Wino/family member at home rather than out on the streets, are treated as outcasts, see Rules of the Game. It is selfish and greedy not to share. The Rules of the Game are for the best of the community.

Secret drinker 2: If the secret drinker is well educated and of good standing, the rewards of «coming out» will be great for everyone except his close family. The street winos will burst into spontaneous applause and the former secret drinker will be a success among them. Eventually he too will be cared for by the citizens of Weinburg. This phenomenon is in itself so interesting that I will devote a whole chapter to it when more research has been done.

Secret drinker 3: A secret drinker can be discovered by studying the eye and surrounding areas. After long-term drinking they will obtain eskimo traits.

Positive effect 1: The ultimate achievement in Weinburg would be to show off a former family member found on the streets in the popular TV show «OurWinos». Tell the viewers how you invited the Wino home for christmas day dinner. Everyone will compete to parttake in your family’s famous, bighearted compassion. You and your family will benefit from plenty of goodwill and general enthusiasm for quite a long time.

Positive effect 2: In Weinburg, there are trading cards of favourite Winos and Bums. Collecting these cards, manufactured by the warehouse sponsoring the «Our Winos» TV show, is extremely popular. Favourite Wino posters are also on sale in these stores for citizens that don’t trade cards, but stick with their own favourite. Any Wino who appears on the show will have a period of glory when everybody recognizes them. They will feel like great celebrities.

Positive effect 3: People who see a wino from the show on the street can tell their friends «I saw that bum from the telly on my way home today». Negative effect: Imagine the scandal that would erupt if this wino and former family member stopped drinking, see Rules of the Game. It is very important to send him back out after that christmas dinner, or other charitable efforts. But give them lots to drink, that’s when they’re the most fun. It is important to remember that brotherly love and care for the Wino is useless if no one sees it. – What if you really love someone and for that reason want them to sober up? This could lead to jealousy and envy. Winos should in particular beware of middle aged new-age ladies who want to «heal» them.

Misunderstood love 1: The Weinburg phenomenon is built around the principle of the useful Wino. The interest in what other people are doing is huge. The Winos are there because they fill an important purpose.

Misunderstood love 2: A Wino with a hangover and alcoholic anxiety might comprehend this paradox and become sober or bitter, in the worst cases maybe even both. Therefore, he must be given a steady supply of alcohol. Carrier move for actors: The Winos who went out into the streets with the notion that it could give them good training as actors are at the same time obtaining a real, credible Wino-look, which is wonderful for the theater and film business. After a street period with lots to drink and get smashed on, they can «go to the movies». This kind of carrier will not last unless the individual can prove that his real talent. But we accept fakes here too, of

The Walking Disaster Area:

Woman in miniskirt and plenty of cleavage. Wears a hundred times the recommended amount of makeup and hairspray. Frequents amusement parks and dark pubs. Wants someone to buy her a drink.

The classical wino:

Bottle, dirty, ragged clothes, owns nothing, sleeps in the gutter. Has one or more of the following «trademarks»: *Wants attention *Is of the «artsy», bohemian type *Is a local original, everybody knows his knick-name *Stands out with his original views *Is amazingly broad-minded *Has long grey hair and beard like Santa Claus *No one knows where he comes from

PsychoElvis:

Looks like Elvis’ exact opposite, but tries to copy his style, especially his LasVegas-period.

TheBaglady:

Carries everything they own in shopping carts, or on a bicycle. Collects bottles, weird things, doesn’t drink?

TheBabelizer:

Man in suit and tie who speaks backwards. They are very drunk, and thereis nothing more to say about them except for the fact that some of them are finnish.

ThePreacher:

Gives hellblazing rants in crowded places like the subway, bus-station or railway station. Always happy to point out how «damned happy» they are about their own salvation.

Definition:

A Wino has dirty, ragged clothes and smells bad. -

A Wino has a bottle of alcohol in one hand, which he/she drinks -

A Wino talks to himself/herself -

A Wino staggers around in the streets after everyone else has gone to bed -

No one knows where a Wino comes from, they are just «there» one day, fully developed. -

A Wino swears, spits, farts, belches and speaks of foulthings, and above all a lot of nonsense -

A Wino is helpless without charity, but claims the opposite -

A Wino speaks of himself/herself in the third person -

A Wino is an old buddy of everyone -

A Wino tells his/her lifestory in different versions -

A Wino is exceptionally funny because they do and say the silliest things in the most serious manner.

The unwritten rules of the game:

Some people need someone else to feel sorry for.

Others need someone to feel sorry for them.

A wino shall not sober up.

Encourage as many as you can to drink.

Always seek out the people who has a need to have someone feel sorry for them.

Encourage them to drink and develop their most extreme personality traits, both at the same time.

Help a wino to show others how kind you are. - Help a wino, and you’ll feel better yourself.

Effect:

A wino is a good reminder of how you could end up if you don’t play it straight -

A wino depends on charity. By helping a wino we can clear our consciences, which is good for the soul -

A wino does all the things the rest of us cannot, drunk people are funny, with great entertainment value

Conclusion:

We love and care for the winos, we laugh at them.

Without Winos, relations between people would be colder.

FOR YOU

Homemade Wine: FOR YOU was for sale at TUGreleaseparty,

for giving away to the local WINOS.

Order a bottle of wine for your own town`s winos, Price $18,- + postage

TUGMAIL here

Use codeword FOR YOU in the subject field

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